Friday, February 20, 2009


It has to be fast and easy or I just don't get to it these days.

Almost another whole week has gone by without a disciplined effort to put thoughts into written word. The fact is, to write it down and extrapolate on the GPS and wanderings of my soul is quite a chore. First, it's completely inconsistent with much of my life. I have people around me all day; I can turn to the left or to the right and say "We need to do this and this and this" and it is done. I can sit in my chair at my desk, select a button and speak into thin air almost with my hands around my coffee cup or in my lap, and say, by noon, I'd want to see that, those, and a few of the others. It's done. I can mutter, lament, or opine over any done or undone task and chore on my way to the bathroom or for coffee, and almost by magic it gets done. So imagine my confusion when another week goes by, and my blog page remain blank. How can that happen when I want to get this done so badly? I just don't get it. (Insert The Rolling of the Eyes of a self-deprecating epiphanous moment.)

I write dozens and dozens and dozens of emails daily, these days until late at night. Somedays, I write a letter, sometimes TWO letters, print them, sign them and put them in a prescribed place outside my office door where they mysteriously disappear and according to legend, become mailed. I talk on the phone for one or two hours each day. And when it is extremely still and peace settles in around me, I actually put pencil and paper to work, well, keyboard and keystroke, and work with numbers and problems, which is what I truly like to do. I like long, complicated, difficult problems that demand my full attention and are too circuitous for people around me to enter into. I like solitude and challenge in solitude. Furious solitude.

And when I'm done for the day, I am done. I leave it all in my work product, turn out the lights and go home. So to speak. In this spent and sated state, I just cannot summon the muse to help me express myself about things that I continue to think about or things that are bothering me.

I am a note writer. At the moment, I estimate, conservatively, that I am behind by about 40 or 50 notes. Did not send one Valentine this year.


And so I look up and here I am at a crossroads; I am changing. And I don't know exactly what that means.


JBelle
Bellemaison
The 'Kan EWA

7 comments:

inlandempiregirl said...

I hope it means all of us will have the pleasure of reading more of your poetic words and continue to feast our eyes on more of those incredible photographs. It is so often about time though isn't it?
I know a writing instructor that has told me when she gets the best writing from her students is when she holds class about four or five o'clock in the afternoon. She says the fatigue at the end of the day gets them writing more freely and they tend to have more to say. When I finish a day and clear off my desk, I want a break. Now perhaps I should sit down and write!

JBelle said...

I appreciate your note greatly because it relates to a thought I've been having for quite some time now. My well-ordered compartmentalized life is starting to melt into itself. I don't think I approach expressing myself like I once did. I believe that somewhere along the way, the execute command got changed and now I, on some level, approach writing from a left brained perspective, needing to sort and prioritize as an introvert does. And I'm too tired to do it once my other left-brained,analytical charges of the day are completely fulfilled and redirected.

Rather, if I just made a space on my timeline each day, sat down and emptied the file of whatever had accumulated, I might see some consistent results and even be surprised at the output. Anyway, it's interesting to think about. When I have the energy. ;)

MarmiteToasty said...

I'll meet you at those crossroads...Im waiting on the corner, and I'll run the lights on red cos thats what I need to be doing....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6uRg9aslZg

((((JBelle))))))

X

Julie said...

I usually do try to make that time needed, early in the mornings when things are quiet and still. I will usually always put them in a personal journal. But then, to transfer them onto my blog never seems to happen, or rarely happens. I've given up trying to post every day. Once a week, or once every two weeks. I, too, am usually to tired by the end of the work day to consider it. My eyes hurt and are very tried from working on 5 different computers, running moment to moment deadlines, etc.
I guess I've just resigned myself to that and if and when things get on my blog, they get there. I'm not so sure I really want to put half the stuff in my private journal into a public one anyway.

The Fool said...

Play it as the rhythm comes to you...what else can you do? It's not like we have deadlines imposed on us, or our next meals are dependent on such. Relax. It's all cool. Change is good, too...it's when we quit changing that we need worry. We'll take it when you're ready...

inlandempiregirl said...

I know the place on your blog header today. Lovely shot. I am always trying to catch shots while riding in a car and the trees always get in the way!

The Fool said...

Are those bathing trunks in the foreground?