Friday, November 10, 2006

I'm sad. I'm sad, sad, sad. I've got friends with a marriage in trouble and I have to come to grips with how it is when you can't fix what somehow has jumped the tracks. I can't fix it; I'd give just about anything to do just that. I've cried, I' ve paced, I've remembered, recalled; connected the dots on so many things that were innocently random before.

My friends may not make it back from their tryst deep in the jungle of marital confusion and temptation; or they may. No one knows yet. No one knows. I do know this , over and over: you have got to want it and once you get it, you have got to have the grace to accept it. As it is.

I myself have gone through the pain of betrayal and separation in a marriage. I have gone through children in ICU and last rites; I have gone through parents who slowly lose their mind and whose diapers need changing. I've had it. Days where everywhere you looked, even the garden of blooming roses, everything was black. BLACK. black.

It was during these times that I learned the value of taking care of myself. It's a keen irony that when someone or something in your life needs and demands you the most, you must take the most vigilant of measures to save a part of yourself from it all, to regenerate that renewal for the next day, the next time trial, the next winner take all, death by fire. It's during these times that you must take the best care with yourself.

I personally believe in God, with a capital G. But I don't think you have to be a practicing protestant, Christian or Buddhist to acknowledge a greater being, an elevated universal consciousness. Of course, you can be spiritual without being religious and it's there that you can go in solace when the day's frames are filled in solid black. When I am doing my best work and taking the kindest of care with all, even myself, here's what I do:

I slip off by myself and quiet myself in the surroundings. I then remember that I am in the presence of God, of god, and I become grateful. I am so grateful today for the cold, gray of this morning. It means the flowers and trees that I love so much are slipping into rest, getting the deep stores of precious water they need for a new spring, a new summer of sunshine and proliferation. It's this time that I can watch the owners of my garden, the birds, squirrels, mice, and others, furiously prepare for the snow ahead. Their industrious labor gives me great affection for them and their life in their universe, my garden. I am grateful for the golden yellow warmth of the fire and the smell of buttered toast in the kitchen. The cold noses of the dogs and the brightly colored knit caps and jackets of the kids passing by on their way to play down the street. Their faint cries of glee and laughter rise, then evaporate. It's a beautiful, beautiful cold gray morning. And I am grateful to sit at my window and watch.

I ask my Holy Spirit to help me, mentor me, coach me. To slip off the silken cords that tie my mind and my heart so as to discover what waits for me there. And then I listen. Where did I experience the divine? in whose face did I see God today? I had an email from my friend Wendy this morning with information that will be quite helpful to another person I know who struggles with basic worth issues. The information is technical in a certain aspect and I was so grateful for the wording and context, the presentation, the professional expertise. Wendy is generous and deeply flowing. I see God in her always, a luminous work in progress. I saw God in Peet the Chow this morning. He came in for a bull body hug, as he does quite often. He needs more, wants more, gets more than the other dogs and feels no shame at his capacity to love and be loved. In that funny little faces shines the light of God. Saw God in the work product of my youngest child this morning; he is traveling solo a bold path and he is brave. God is in him; closely. And so my God, the divine, is all around me, everywhere in my life. Mysteriously showing his face in non-mysterious places.

As I think about the day just past and the beautiful faces, sights, things, smells and thoughts, I cannot help but see the other things too: the missed opportunities, sawed off possitibilites, blocked intersections. I see places where I failed to see, accept or show love. Because love, LOVE, is all there is. And as Wendy, Peet, Jon and God reach out to me in love, I want to turn to the next and love, be part of this rounddance of heart.

I didn't reach out to certain of my friends yesterday; I am afraid. I am not strong enough to hear more of their pain. I am not worthy of them, for they each are mighty in my eyes. I have nothing of value to offer even though they suffer keenly. At another turn, I rebuffed yet another compliment yesterday, too shy to openly acknowledge a moment between two adults. And that's a pattern with me. I've seen this before. I tourniquet my own growth and fullness. I need to go back, find a way to redo that moment and be on the lookout for the moment again, and work to get it right. I need to find courage, to find value in my life to give to my friends who could use it. As lowly as I am, I have got to have something for them. I need to change these turns, detours, into thru-ways, thru-ways to fullness, ridden through corridors of the divine.

And so I know that I have to get back in the game now. I have got to get back out there with love, being love. This day is going to be a good day, no matter what happens and this day is a time for me to explore and experience more fully, confident that my God the divine is all around and that love can prevail.

~much, much love and thanks to a.ho

The 'Kan EWA


raymond pert said...

I'd like to continue the conversation on depression that has transpired in my blog's comments section over email, if you are agreeable to that.

Drop me a line if you don't mind discussing this subject over email. If you'd rather not, no harm done.

btw, I have comment for this posting of yours that I'll compose later.


PDXPup said...

When I'm feeling like that, I either go for a walk in the rain and watch the water impose it's will on everything it's cleansing and empowering to watch something that starts out so miniscule and unimportant, become a venerable force once it hits the ground and gets a little help from its friends.

green libertarian said...

God is in all people, and in all His creation. I see God everywhere. This is beautiful what you have written here, Jbelle. Note how the Mennonites, the Amish, the Quakers, (and many others) emulate the work ethic of the squirrels, and ants, nay, not the grasshopper.

All things must pass
-George Harrison

jb3ll3 said...

a baptism of sorts, Peedy? I appreciated hearing that. I, too, could live in Oregon; the rain keeps everything clean and honest. xom

Shelley said...

Wow, again. The divine shines so brightly in your sharing, from sadness... to the awareness of the divine essence of all. Einstein said "you can't solve the problem at the level of the problem." Seeing/feeling life from the worldly/human/attachment side of things can be painful indeed. But always there is that place we can go in consciousness, above and beyond what seems so "real", to get to what is really "real". The unlimited love, presence, power, unity, and wisdom of God/god/Universe/all-in-all. Easy to forget sometimes though... thanks for the reminder to "keep it real."

BX_boy said...

Being a friend to all does take a lot of energy and you've gotta make sure you're up to it every day, without fail. Brian Meier and Dr. Terry Kay Birrer introduced me to a poem that I use as a prayer. It helps me center on the fact that everything truely is a gift from God. You already know it, but it's so beautiful that I'm posting it.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of allnothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

the psycho therapist said...

Magnificent piece of revelation. I felt "god".

You are a warrior and describe the essence of the warrior's path. I know you know switchbacks and the gift they carry.

Thank you for this, Schmeebs. I am going to save it to read on days I temporarily lose the signal.

Just beautiful.


PS I know it can be stressful but, for the record, when you post from the heart like this, there is great healing for all--you and the reader.



jb3ll3 said...

Not that I would ever have the courage or the heart to be sideways with Her Holiness The Psycho Therapist, but posting from the heart sucks up that capacity so crucial to the next day's journey; that part you have to save for yourself to go on. Only when you have enough in reserve can you mount the platform to the keyboard and pound it out. But Her Holiness knows that and me. And wonder of wonders, she still loves me. huh.

jb3ll3 said...

Southwark Lad:
When I think about all the gifts I have received, gifts that have absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with the giver, I count you and the Pup and BeniHanna as 1, 2, 3; 3, 1, 2,; 2, 3, 1 on that list. Thank you for being so generous with me, today and always. xom

green libertarian said...

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul

M M M My Lord . . .

PLEASE take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you

Won't you please
Oh won't you

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with,
heart and soul

M M M My Lord . . .

PLEASE take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you.

Give Me Love (Peace on Earth)
George Harrison, 1973

Anonymous said...

actually, as painful as it is, one of the greatest gifts you can, and HAVE, given, is just listening. because in listening, you let the other person know they have value, even when they feel like they have none.THANK YOU, for all the listening you've done. it is much appreciated, more than you'll ever know.

toadman said...

This is wonderfully written JBelle.

Another quote for you:

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give.

Word Tosser said...

All caretakers (your parents)like yourself... feel that they need to fix it. What ever it is. Especially of those one loves that are near. But the answer is quite simple... and you know the answer...
It is not for you to fix.. It is not your job....
It is only HIS.
for what will be...will be.. and not for us to question...for we would not understand the answer...
so it is not your job... not for you to fix...

Side Note said...


MarmiteToasty said...

Just listening and not judging but holding out a hand with love is the most wonderous gift of all......

Some have the ability to do this... whilst others aint got a clue lol

love ya