Monday, May 29, 2006

Something's come up over the last week or so and it's time I address it, as I may have already waited too long.

I have had a series of dreams, wherein I am with a familiar person that I know in my day to day life. These people are all real people, with names in the phone book here--people I encounter in business, socially, in the community. We are in a positive encounter of some sort and and the other person is sitting. It's a good, yet some kind of undefined moment; then, I rise and go to this person and kiss them on the forehead, near their hairline. I squeeze them on the shoulders and move on.

New dream, new person. Same positive social situation, same kiss and squeeze. After I remembered this dream, the second time, I began watching people's hairlines, in Starbucks, at the gym, on the corner, wondering if I have a new found attraction and/or affection for hairlines or foreheads. Not that I could see; or understand. So I kept moving. Kept dreaming. Only thing in this dream that I could determine that might be significant is that while I know all the people I kiss on the forehead in my non-dream life, I do not know them well to kiss them hello, let alone on the forehead. So the kiss could be out of context.

It came up again tonight; I was rewatching the final episode of 'Sex in The City' again, as I am missing Paris. At some point, someone gets up and kisses someone else on the forehead and follows up with a shoulder squeeze. It wasn't 30 minutes ago that I watched this but the particulars are lost to me already. The kiss and affection was exactly as it's been in my dream.

So now I know that this is not random; I know that I need to kiss someone, offer love, support and affection, that needs it right now. Thing is, you know who you are. I don't. But know this: I am here for you; I have affection for you; I believe in you. I know that whatever it is that's plaguing you, is incidental in your real life, the life you are really meant to lead. You know it, too, okay? Mount your challenge, ride it till it's limp and lifeless, then bury it. I'll be waiting on the other side. Or walking with you, whichever works better.

You can do this.

The 'Kan EWA


wendo said...

Oh my, that stirred up quite a bit of thought and feeling on this end of the monitor. I've got to dash off to work now but I'll be back when I've had more time to digest everything. Off the top of my head I've got some feedback for you but thise kind of post deserves much more than that.

Later, Schmeebsy.
Have a peaceful and, obviously (duh!) outwardly expressing of love, Tuesday.

Wendalina Jolie

Pixie said...


Just maybe.

There are several of *us*.

Lovely Monday...

jb3ll3 said...

Shell, xxxxxxoooooo, am I dreaming about you again?

Wendo said...

These people in the dream, those you know in waking life, what is it about them that elicits the kiss, squeeze and move on?
What do they have in common according to you?

What strikes me re-reading your words are your repeated "moving on" references. Are these goodbyes you are engaged in?

Wonderin', just Wendo wonderin'

jb3ll3 said...

Wendo. Good evening. I hope you had an uneventful yet fulfilling day at the office. :)

I don't know what elicits the kiss on the forehead; it's during a positive verbal encounter of some kind and we are wearing clothes that you would wear to a cocktail party and the setting appears to be a restaurant or someone's home...I then move away from the conversation to go ? greet someone else? pee? get another drink? ?

freaking goodbye?? That's #2 on my list and my biggest emotional hangup right now and to date, in life. Can't say the goodbye. Will walk 500 miles to avoid the goodbye. Do not want the good bye. Was terrified of it as a child and still am. I go to funerals but only in the exact right state of mind. If I can't summon it, no funeral for me.

good bye? really? crap.

why do some things follow you around relentlessly? ;)

jb3ll3 said...

f-ing goodbye. I am so cheesed about this.

Wendo said...

If you'd prefer, I won't share what I "get", as in capital K, "know". My intention is never to cause suffering.

In reading your response, yes, it is is this. Crystalline clear over here.

Perhaps we should exchange numbers sometime and have a conversation in the real world, eh? Email me if you're interested.

Love and no goodbyes,

jb3ll3 said...

no, no, no, Wendo. I can take it. ;) Wonder if I'm anticipating a goodbye, if there's a good bye unanticipated waiting for me or if I'm still thinking, on some level, about trying to figure out a way to not be afraid of goodbye. worry=fear/8 (I learned that this weekend)( ;) ) It's like not flossing; you know there's this motherlode of sh** waiting for you but you just can't do it anyway.

thanks for the talk. xxxooo

curtcon said...

Maybe that kiss is the way to say silently "oh and because I may not/can not/have a hard time with any goodbye, here's a reminder that I acknowledge that you have touched me somehow"

This is silent goodbye should it come to pass that we may not have another opportunity...And you move on because there is a realization that you have touched and been touched by so many and to dawdle would be to risk running out of time, missing someone in the process.

Or it's a bit of undigested beef as Scrooge insisted:-)

jb3ll3 said...

Thanks, Curt. I really do have to admit this is bothering me a bit. I appreciate your thoughts and your kindnesses, oh so much.

Pixie said...

Well... J'Belle... I said goodbye for the SECOND freaking time to the SAME PERSON today... c'mon December.

Not Goodbye, just g'nite.

*muah, muah, muah*

jb3ll3 said...

Shell, thank you for the good night kiss. I am feeling pretty amazed tonight, when I think about how strong and resilient you are in the face of what your life assigns you, each and every day. You are a force, someone I truly admire. xxxxooooKeep the faith, my sister.

Pixie said...

J'Belle... I have a lump in my throat just writing this, so bear with me a minute...

This is his SECOND deployment... was there the first 18 months we (I'm not supposed to say occupied, so ummmm) were there and it looks like this one is going to be 18 months, AGAIN. Ugh.

Prayers please.

My heart is in the Anbar Province... and it's scary there.

Love y'all.

jb3ll3 said...

oh, Shell. 18 months. I am at a complete loss for words. And wholly inadequate. prayers, candles, songs.

And if Madeleine Albright characterizes it as occupation, well; I will remember you each day, Shell, and hope beyond hope for an intervention of some kind that will bring them all back within 6 months.

Wendo said...

Yes, Shell, what Schmeebs said.

Prayers for intervention, prayers for grace, always mercy.


Oh, the hostess, of course.

(((my Schmeebs)))

PS Schmeebs, I posted a comment on my thingy about that water fear. I do wonder about patterns...I see day in and day out, good hawk that I am...spoken by she who worships acuity to she who worships, well, I'm not exactly sure what she worships, lol.